Yes you definitely should have. Klaus smiles lazily and comes to sink down onto the bench beside Credence, slinging his trowel holding arm around his Warden's shoulders.
"I do not get why people complain about this place so much. Food, flowers, personalised care... what's not to like?"
Oh, Credence thinks, as he pours their coffee. Of course. He's hit the
same point that Credence himself languished in for...he doesn't know how
long, since it took him so long to recognize it. The emotional place where
he still is, a little bit.
"Yes. I was," he says, quietly. He offers him a cup.
"I really liked it here. It was the first place I came to where people
didn't order me around, or hurt me, or lie to me or want things from me.
It was the first place I ever had real friends."
"Yes, they are. I've killed people. Some of them didn't deserve it. I
told my friends about it and they didn't stop being my friends. They
didn't even ask me to be sorry."
There was something intoxicatingly unconditional about the acceptance he
received on the Barge. Almost everyone came here bearing their own scars,
their own trauma, the memories of horrors they've seen and done; who would
judge him? How?
Klaus does still feel a weird little stomach squelch when Credence talks about having killed people, but what's done is done. It's not like being un-fun about it is going to bring anyone back, and it's not like he hasn't been on a team that left trails of bodies in it's wake for a few good years before they all got old enough to splinter and start killing people on their own time.
"And look at you now. All grown up and giving me coffee." Klaus points out, instead of talking about any of that, "And dating a sexy gender strange thief prince."
Somehow that feels like something that wouldn't have been an option for his warden back home.
"He's not 'genderstrange', he just likes clothes," Credence says loyally.
"That's not my point, anyway. I got...really comfortable here. There was
never really anything happening that drew out the parts of me that hurt."
"I'm not going to," he says. "I don't have to go home. I can go somewhere
else that doesn't have those things, now I've graduated. But I risked just
disappearing for longer than I needed to, because I was...."
Congratulations, Klaus, this conversation is now entirely about you.
"But the Barge isn't like real life. It might not hurt as much or as often
as home did, but you've got more choices now. It isn't just being trapped
here, or being trapped at home, or being dead. If you graduate you could
do anything. People here will help you."
"Yeah." Says Klaus, slow and careful, "I mean but as a choice, I don't feel-- y'know bad about my choice being to just run down the clock until I die like a normal person."
"But you weren't running down the clock," Credence says patiently. "You
were doing almost everything you could to make it run down faster. Maybe
you'd want to do something else with the time, if you weren't doing that
any more."
"Oh, I was just showing myself a good time." Klaus protests, "And what else an I supposed to want to do? I think-- y'know, all things considered, I had an okay run! I got out of the house a lot, I made friends, I got laid-- I got a bit traumatized, but we all get a bit traumatized!"
He shrugs.
"What would I have done different? Become a movie star? A vigilante? Should I have took up violin as well?"
He wouldn't have even met Dave, if he hadn't been such a colossal fuck up. It's a good argument for being a fuck up.
"Klaus," Credence says quietly. "I'm not saying you should have done
anything differently then. That's pointless. I'm asking you what you're
doing now."
"I know-- I know you're not, but-- look, I know it's different here, obviously it's different, but--" He gestures with his coffee cup, "I got away from dear old dad when I was still a kid. I went to rehab, I went to 'Naam--"
He pauses, flashes Credence a lazy smile.
"I don't know what else to want. Even here-- I know people would help me, but I don't know what I need help with."
"Well..." Klaus begins like maybe he's going to deny it, then hesitates, laughs, and shrugs a big lazy shrug, "I mean, I guess I can't argue with that. But I can't just make myself care about things, can I?"
"Sounds like a good recipe for making yourself miserable." Klaus observes, airily, "Teaching yourself to care more about a bunch of things that are definitely going to go wrong."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 12:04 pm (UTC)Yes you definitely should have. Klaus smiles lazily and comes to sink down onto the bench beside Credence, slinging his trowel holding arm around his Warden's shoulders.
"I do not get why people complain about this place so much. Food, flowers, personalised care... what's not to like?"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 12:07 pm (UTC)Oh, Credence thinks, as he pours their coffee. Of course. He's hit the same point that Credence himself languished in for...he doesn't know how long, since it took him so long to recognize it. The emotional place where he still is, a little bit.
"Being trapped?" he suggests.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 12:12 pm (UTC)At least, most of the ones that he's spoken too.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 12:16 pm (UTC)"Yes. I was," he says, quietly. He offers him a cup.
"I really liked it here. It was the first place I came to where people didn't order me around, or hurt me, or lie to me or want things from me. It was the first place I ever had real friends."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 12:18 pm (UTC)"People here are weirdly cool about some very uncool shit."
He says, although this doesn't even begin to cover what Credence is really talking about. The isolation. The loneliness.
At least what was wrong with Klaus happened to a whole family of them.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 12:24 pm (UTC)"Yes, they are. I've killed people. Some of them didn't deserve it. I told my friends about it and they didn't stop being my friends. They didn't even ask me to be sorry."
There was something intoxicatingly unconditional about the acceptance he received on the Barge. Almost everyone came here bearing their own scars, their own trauma, the memories of horrors they've seen and done; who would judge him? How?
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 12:33 pm (UTC)"And look at you now. All grown up and giving me coffee." Klaus points out, instead of talking about any of that, "And dating a sexy gender strange thief prince."
Somehow that feels like something that wouldn't have been an option for his warden back home.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 12:58 pm (UTC)Just a smidge.
"He's not 'genderstrange', he just likes clothes," Credence says loyally. "That's not my point, anyway. I got...really comfortable here. There was never really anything happening that drew out the parts of me that hurt."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 01:06 pm (UTC)Says Klaus dreamily, still testing how he wants to run those two words together.
"And-- yeah. Sounds good. I mean, you had a whole universe of things drawing out the parts that hurt. Why chase that down?"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 01:20 pm (UTC)"I'm not going to," he says. "I don't have to go home. I can go somewhere else that doesn't have those things, now I've graduated. But I risked just disappearing for longer than I needed to, because I was...."
What's the word he's after?
"Complacent."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 02:05 pm (UTC)"Yeah but that's just-- I mean, it's just life, isn't it? You try and be happy and one day you disappear!"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 02:10 pm (UTC)Congratulations, Klaus, this conversation is now entirely about you.
"But the Barge isn't like real life. It might not hurt as much or as often as home did, but you've got more choices now. It isn't just being trapped here, or being trapped at home, or being dead. If you graduate you could do anything. People here will help you."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 02:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 02:47 pm (UTC)"But you weren't running down the clock," Credence says patiently. "You were doing almost everything you could to make it run down faster. Maybe you'd want to do something else with the time, if you weren't doing that any more."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 03:07 pm (UTC)He shrugs.
"What would I have done different? Become a movie star? A vigilante? Should I have took up violin as well?"
He wouldn't have even met Dave, if he hadn't been such a colossal fuck up. It's a good argument for being a fuck up.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 03:13 pm (UTC)"Klaus," Credence says quietly. "I'm not saying you should have done anything differently then. That's pointless. I'm asking you what you're doing now."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 03:40 pm (UTC)He pauses, flashes Credence a lazy smile.
"I don't know what else to want. Even here-- I know people would help me, but I don't know what I need help with."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 03:44 pm (UTC)"You take a lot of drugs so that you can't see ghosts," Credence suggests, as a starting point.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 03:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 03:53 pm (UTC)Credence shakes his head.
"It's only win-win because you don't care about anything except feeling good and not seeing ghosts."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-24 01:40 pm (UTC)But I can't just make myself care about things, can I?"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-24 01:45 pm (UTC)"I don't know," he says. "I think you can...I think you can learn. I didn't really care about living for a while."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-24 02:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-24 02:43 pm (UTC)"No," Credence says thoughtfully. "I've cared about things and seen them go wrong. I'm still happier now."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-26 12:09 am (UTC)But it's not an experience that he can say he shares.
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