"He's not 'genderstrange', he just likes clothes," Credence says loyally.
"That's not my point, anyway. I got...really comfortable here. There was
never really anything happening that drew out the parts of me that hurt."
"I'm not going to," he says. "I don't have to go home. I can go somewhere
else that doesn't have those things, now I've graduated. But I risked just
disappearing for longer than I needed to, because I was...."
Congratulations, Klaus, this conversation is now entirely about you.
"But the Barge isn't like real life. It might not hurt as much or as often
as home did, but you've got more choices now. It isn't just being trapped
here, or being trapped at home, or being dead. If you graduate you could
do anything. People here will help you."
"Yeah." Says Klaus, slow and careful, "I mean but as a choice, I don't feel-- y'know bad about my choice being to just run down the clock until I die like a normal person."
"But you weren't running down the clock," Credence says patiently. "You
were doing almost everything you could to make it run down faster. Maybe
you'd want to do something else with the time, if you weren't doing that
any more."
"Oh, I was just showing myself a good time." Klaus protests, "And what else an I supposed to want to do? I think-- y'know, all things considered, I had an okay run! I got out of the house a lot, I made friends, I got laid-- I got a bit traumatized, but we all get a bit traumatized!"
He shrugs.
"What would I have done different? Become a movie star? A vigilante? Should I have took up violin as well?"
He wouldn't have even met Dave, if he hadn't been such a colossal fuck up. It's a good argument for being a fuck up.
"Klaus," Credence says quietly. "I'm not saying you should have done
anything differently then. That's pointless. I'm asking you what you're
doing now."
"I know-- I know you're not, but-- look, I know it's different here, obviously it's different, but--" He gestures with his coffee cup, "I got away from dear old dad when I was still a kid. I went to rehab, I went to 'Naam--"
He pauses, flashes Credence a lazy smile.
"I don't know what else to want. Even here-- I know people would help me, but I don't know what I need help with."
"Well..." Klaus begins like maybe he's going to deny it, then hesitates, laughs, and shrugs a big lazy shrug, "I mean, I guess I can't argue with that. But I can't just make myself care about things, can I?"
"Sounds like a good recipe for making yourself miserable." Klaus observes, airily, "Teaching yourself to care more about a bunch of things that are definitely going to go wrong."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 12:58 pm (UTC)Just a smidge.
"He's not 'genderstrange', he just likes clothes," Credence says loyally. "That's not my point, anyway. I got...really comfortable here. There was never really anything happening that drew out the parts of me that hurt."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 01:06 pm (UTC)Says Klaus dreamily, still testing how he wants to run those two words together.
"And-- yeah. Sounds good. I mean, you had a whole universe of things drawing out the parts that hurt. Why chase that down?"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 01:20 pm (UTC)"I'm not going to," he says. "I don't have to go home. I can go somewhere else that doesn't have those things, now I've graduated. But I risked just disappearing for longer than I needed to, because I was...."
What's the word he's after?
"Complacent."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 02:05 pm (UTC)"Yeah but that's just-- I mean, it's just life, isn't it? You try and be happy and one day you disappear!"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 02:10 pm (UTC)Congratulations, Klaus, this conversation is now entirely about you.
"But the Barge isn't like real life. It might not hurt as much or as often as home did, but you've got more choices now. It isn't just being trapped here, or being trapped at home, or being dead. If you graduate you could do anything. People here will help you."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 02:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 02:47 pm (UTC)"But you weren't running down the clock," Credence says patiently. "You were doing almost everything you could to make it run down faster. Maybe you'd want to do something else with the time, if you weren't doing that any more."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 03:07 pm (UTC)He shrugs.
"What would I have done different? Become a movie star? A vigilante? Should I have took up violin as well?"
He wouldn't have even met Dave, if he hadn't been such a colossal fuck up. It's a good argument for being a fuck up.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 03:13 pm (UTC)"Klaus," Credence says quietly. "I'm not saying you should have done anything differently then. That's pointless. I'm asking you what you're doing now."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 03:40 pm (UTC)He pauses, flashes Credence a lazy smile.
"I don't know what else to want. Even here-- I know people would help me, but I don't know what I need help with."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 03:44 pm (UTC)"You take a lot of drugs so that you can't see ghosts," Credence suggests, as a starting point.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 03:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-22 03:53 pm (UTC)Credence shakes his head.
"It's only win-win because you don't care about anything except feeling good and not seeing ghosts."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-24 01:40 pm (UTC)But I can't just make myself care about things, can I?"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-24 01:45 pm (UTC)"I don't know," he says. "I think you can...I think you can learn. I didn't really care about living for a while."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-24 02:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-24 02:43 pm (UTC)"No," Credence says thoughtfully. "I've cared about things and seen them go wrong. I'm still happier now."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-26 12:09 am (UTC)But it's not an experience that he can say he shares.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-26 08:53 am (UTC)Credence takes a sip of his own coffee and is quiet for a while.
"Do you have a truth, Klaus?"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 09:22 am (UTC)"I don't think so.
Pretty sure I left it behind in Vietnam."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 09:44 am (UTC)Credence doesn't know what to say to that, so for a little while he just sits with it.
"So what are you living now?"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 09:54 am (UTC)And if it's a lie, it's a comfortable lie. He'll take it
no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 09:56 am (UTC)He frowns at the plants for a few moments.
"I think you need a new truth."