"You're the first person to ever say that," he says, and he blinks and
briefly sees this scene through an old lens - a married woman, sitting
unchaperoned with him, in his bedroom.
His mother would be horrified.
But then again, he's never had the least of an inappropriate thought about
Elizabeth, except to briefly encounter the thought that she's so much more
maternal than Ma ever was.
That seems like a simple task - if only his own identity wasn't something
bewildering and unreachable. He was a witch's orphan, then his mother's
adjunct, and Mr Graves' spy, and now what is he? He's Mr Pinkman's inmate,
Mr Scamander's creature, Mr Coldwater's....project, and maybe his friend,
if he's feeling charitable toward himself. He defines himself by other
people. If he were alone, and he looked inside himself, all he'd find is
the Obscurus seething in an empty shell.
"I don't know how," is his extremely succinct summation of those fears.
That's almost shocking. Ma was never possessed by worry: her emotions ran
deeper and more dramatic, all jagged hatred and fear. There's something
that feels more domestic, more real, about being worried.
"But you can still...go on, because of your purpose," he says, trying to
understand.
Momentarily, she feels a stab of guilt. She's been wanting him to say this, but now that he is it feels selfish. She wants to help him, but he might have arrived at this conclusion because of her. Because of her manipulation.
"You could have that," she tells him, keeping her voice soft as well, not wanting to startle him.
A more self-aware person would feel the pattern emerging here. A kindly, almost parental figure reaching out with the affection he's been utterly starved of, offering him something his life is sorely lacking - an offer that will, inevitably, become conditional.
He just doesn't see it. Couldn't if he tried. What could he even give her, here, where they're all as good as powerless?
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2017-03-27 03:25 pm (UTC)She bumps her shoulder against his, then reaches down to take his hand.
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Date: 2017-03-27 03:29 pm (UTC)He wraps his fingers around hers and sighs out a soft breath. He's relaxing, very slowly.
"Did you know her here as well? Before..."
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Date: 2017-03-27 03:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-27 03:57 pm (UTC)"Oh," Credence says, then blinks. "Did I seem...not nice? Or not harmless?"
It's not really a joke.
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Date: 2017-03-27 05:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-27 05:17 pm (UTC)"Oh." That makes sense. "I - yes. I think I did," he admits softly.
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Date: 2017-03-28 08:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 08:40 am (UTC)"Oh," again, useless. "I - you were. You are. It's...it's easier, being here, with you here," he confesses.
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Date: 2017-03-28 11:15 am (UTC)"You're very easy to talk to."
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Date: 2017-03-28 11:21 am (UTC)"You're the first person to ever say that," he says, and he blinks and briefly sees this scene through an old lens - a married woman, sitting unchaperoned with him, in his bedroom.
His mother would be horrified.
But then again, he's never had the least of an inappropriate thought about Elizabeth, except to briefly encounter the thought that she's so much more maternal than Ma ever was.
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Date: 2017-03-28 11:23 am (UTC)"We promised each other, right? Honesty?"
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Date: 2017-03-28 11:32 am (UTC)"Yes, Elizabeth." It seems like a very easy thing to do, to simply not lie. "We promised. Do - do you think I've...?"
Has he spoken out of turn, does she think badly of him?
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Date: 2017-03-28 11:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 11:41 am (UTC)That seems like a simple task - if only his own identity wasn't something bewildering and unreachable. He was a witch's orphan, then his mother's adjunct, and Mr Graves' spy, and now what is he? He's Mr Pinkman's inmate, Mr Scamander's creature, Mr Coldwater's....project, and maybe his friend, if he's feeling charitable toward himself. He defines himself by other people. If he were alone, and he looked inside himself, all he'd find is the Obscurus seething in an empty shell.
"I don't know how," is his extremely succinct summation of those fears.
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Date: 2017-03-28 11:52 am (UTC)"I know. That's okay. You don't need to get there so soon, okay? Take your time."
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Date: 2017-03-28 11:56 am (UTC)He nods, feeling childish.
"Did you -- always know? You seem so sure, all the time," he adds, meaning it as a compliment and hoping it'll be taken as intended.
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Date: 2017-03-28 11:57 am (UTC)"I fit everything in around that."
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Date: 2017-03-28 12:42 pm (UTC)He frowns, staring at his hands.
"I did. I thought I did. Ma tried, but..."
It's hard to think of yourself as having a purpose, when that purpose is to purge from the world the very thing that exists deep in the heart of you.
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Date: 2017-03-28 05:34 pm (UTC)"I'm always, always worried, Credence. When I go to bed, the one thing I hope for is that I'll wake up and not be worried. And it never happens."
She looks sure of herself, and she is. But that doesn't mean she's fine.
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Date: 2017-03-28 05:49 pm (UTC)That's almost shocking. Ma was never possessed by worry: her emotions ran deeper and more dramatic, all jagged hatred and fear. There's something that feels more domestic, more real, about being worried.
"But you can still...go on, because of your purpose," he says, trying to understand.
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Date: 2017-03-28 06:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 06:23 pm (UTC)"I want that too," he confesses, an almost inaudible whisper, because wanting things for himself has never gone well in the past.
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Date: 2017-03-28 06:44 pm (UTC)"You could have that," she tells him, keeping her voice soft as well, not wanting to startle him.
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Date: 2017-03-28 07:15 pm (UTC)He just doesn't see it. Couldn't if he tried. What could he even give her, here, where they're all as good as powerless?
"How?"
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Date: 2017-03-29 02:07 pm (UTC)He wouldn't have to join the KGB, or any sort of military effort. But one more soul won for the effort just feels like it's worth it.
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