That seems like a simple task - if only his own identity wasn't something
bewildering and unreachable. He was a witch's orphan, then his mother's
adjunct, and Mr Graves' spy, and now what is he? He's Mr Pinkman's inmate,
Mr Scamander's creature, Mr Coldwater's....project, and maybe his friend,
if he's feeling charitable toward himself. He defines himself by other
people. If he were alone, and he looked inside himself, all he'd find is
the Obscurus seething in an empty shell.
"I don't know how," is his extremely succinct summation of those fears.
That's almost shocking. Ma was never possessed by worry: her emotions ran
deeper and more dramatic, all jagged hatred and fear. There's something
that feels more domestic, more real, about being worried.
"But you can still...go on, because of your purpose," he says, trying to
understand.
Momentarily, she feels a stab of guilt. She's been wanting him to say this, but now that he is it feels selfish. She wants to help him, but he might have arrived at this conclusion because of her. Because of her manipulation.
"You could have that," she tells him, keeping her voice soft as well, not wanting to startle him.
A more self-aware person would feel the pattern emerging here. A kindly, almost parental figure reaching out with the affection he's been utterly starved of, offering him something his life is sorely lacking - an offer that will, inevitably, become conditional.
He just doesn't see it. Couldn't if he tried. What could he even give her, here, where they're all as good as powerless?
He looks frightened just by the idea of it, the thought of allowing himself
to read anything that isn't directly related to the Scripture, or the
life he should be leading, or the many sins of witchcraft and how to
contend with them.
It's tempting. But he knows he's slow-witted, that he's foolish and
ignorant. It'll be humiliating, having to expose that to Elizabeth - and
frustrating for her, to watch him fumble through his attempts to understand
something she clearly holds so close to her heart..
"I don't mean to take up your time, Elizabeth. I'm not smart at all."
He doesn't even know what to do with that. He knows he's feeble-minded -
why would his mother have told him so every other day, if it weren't true?
- but it's not as if he can convince her. Eventually she'll just...see it.
"If you're sure. I'd...I'd like to read with you."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 11:32 am (UTC)"Yes, Elizabeth." It seems like a very easy thing to do, to simply not lie. "We promised. Do - do you think I've...?"
Has he spoken out of turn, does she think badly of him?
no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 11:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 11:41 am (UTC)That seems like a simple task - if only his own identity wasn't something bewildering and unreachable. He was a witch's orphan, then his mother's adjunct, and Mr Graves' spy, and now what is he? He's Mr Pinkman's inmate, Mr Scamander's creature, Mr Coldwater's....project, and maybe his friend, if he's feeling charitable toward himself. He defines himself by other people. If he were alone, and he looked inside himself, all he'd find is the Obscurus seething in an empty shell.
"I don't know how," is his extremely succinct summation of those fears.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 11:52 am (UTC)"I know. That's okay. You don't need to get there so soon, okay? Take your time."
no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 11:56 am (UTC)He nods, feeling childish.
"Did you -- always know? You seem so sure, all the time," he adds, meaning it as a compliment and hoping it'll be taken as intended.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 11:57 am (UTC)"I fit everything in around that."
no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 12:42 pm (UTC)He frowns, staring at his hands.
"I did. I thought I did. Ma tried, but..."
It's hard to think of yourself as having a purpose, when that purpose is to purge from the world the very thing that exists deep in the heart of you.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 05:34 pm (UTC)"I'm always, always worried, Credence. When I go to bed, the one thing I hope for is that I'll wake up and not be worried. And it never happens."
She looks sure of herself, and she is. But that doesn't mean she's fine.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 05:49 pm (UTC)That's almost shocking. Ma was never possessed by worry: her emotions ran deeper and more dramatic, all jagged hatred and fear. There's something that feels more domestic, more real, about being worried.
"But you can still...go on, because of your purpose," he says, trying to understand.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 06:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 06:23 pm (UTC)"I want that too," he confesses, an almost inaudible whisper, because wanting things for himself has never gone well in the past.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 06:44 pm (UTC)"You could have that," she tells him, keeping her voice soft as well, not wanting to startle him.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 07:15 pm (UTC)He just doesn't see it. Couldn't if he tried. What could he even give her, here, where they're all as good as powerless?
"How?"
no subject
Date: 2017-03-29 02:07 pm (UTC)He wouldn't have to join the KGB, or any sort of military effort. But one more soul won for the effort just feels like it's worth it.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-29 02:18 pm (UTC)"Yes." Shame makes his already pale face blanch further. "I - I haven't read it, I'm sorry."
no subject
Date: 2017-03-29 02:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-29 02:36 pm (UTC)He looks frightened just by the idea of it, the thought of allowing himself to read anything that isn't directly related to the Scripture, or the life he should be leading, or the many sins of witchcraft and how to contend with them.
But she's never led him wrong before.
"I - I'll try," he whispers.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-29 02:46 pm (UTC)Like it's bible study.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-29 02:53 pm (UTC)"Oh - "
It's tempting. But he knows he's slow-witted, that he's foolish and ignorant. It'll be humiliating, having to expose that to Elizabeth - and frustrating for her, to watch him fumble through his attempts to understand something she clearly holds so close to her heart..
"I don't mean to take up your time, Elizabeth. I'm not smart at all."
no subject
Date: 2017-03-29 02:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-29 03:20 pm (UTC)He doesn't even know what to do with that. He knows he's feeble-minded - why would his mother have told him so every other day, if it weren't true? - but it's not as if he can convince her. Eventually she'll just...see it.
"If you're sure. I'd...I'd like to read with you."