"There's a lot of stuff on this barge that's different. Maybe the people
who were here before--maybe some of them were from different times and
places, when kitchens looked more like that," she offers thoughtfully. "I
guess--that's one of the things I've been thinking about. Who this barge
belonged to. The kind of people who were here before. If they miss it like
I miss parts of ours, like the library, and my room being next to the art
room. Is that weird?" It might be.
"It is." She nods, some short strands of hair falling forward over
her cheekbones. "I mean--it's not all bad. I like the garden and the way
the art room is now. I like the kitchen and how big it is. And the new
rooms--I know you were working hard on yours, and I feel bad it got taken,
but--I kind of like that everyone is the same. Wardens and inmates. Nobody
gets anything special just for being one or the other. You know?" That's
something that feels surprisingly important to her.
Shiro nods, seemingly not noticing the flush on his face. A body has always
been just--a body, to her, but-- "I understand. I--when I was an inmate, I
always went when nobody else was in the shower. I--used to really...I
didn't like people staring. At my scars, I mean. I have--a lot. And the
ones on my body aren't as--clean, I guess. Like the ones on my arms." She
lowers her hands palm-up on the edges of the table between them. The
sleeves of her dress are short, showing all those ragged, faintly pink
lines intersecting as they climb her arms, finally disappearing beneath
fabric. More are visible at the scoop neck of her dress, implying those
hidden below.
"I'm glad they don't make everyone shower together anymore. It was really
dumb--getting a bathroom shouldn't be something you only get when you
graduate. Like a prize."
She worries a little less about what people think when they see her these
days, but it's been a very gradual process. There are still habits that are
hard to break, tendencies towards long sleeves and things that cover her
shape. It's only recently that she's been breaking out of those habits,
partially because a large chunk of her wardrobe was left behind on the old
barge. They left a lot behind on the old barge. Sometimes she thinks maybe
that's for the best.
"So now everyone has their own shower. And there's laundry in the rooms,
and a little kitchen. I--kind of like that, too. Means people don't have to
leave their rooms if they don't want to sometimes. It's--more fair, I
think. At least a little." Not everything about the barge is fair. There's
a lot that isn't. But she thinks maybe that makes the little things more
important.
"That would be really nice." Maybe it's something to think about, for
everyone. Maybe it would be a good place to start feeling less trapped and
angry and take back some sense of control.
"If maintenance has paint and stuff--and if there's fabric we can get,
too--maybe that's...something to do for the whole barge. Like, tell
everyone there's stuff they can do. Help paint rooms, or sew new curtains
or sheets. Put up art, in the halls and in the common rooms and stuff. Make
this barge--ours. You know?"
"I hate that." Her voice is quiet, subdued, but no less passionate for
that. "I hate how people talk like this place used to be better, how it's
supposed to be better. Like every other universe out there isn't unfair,
like any of us would be here if there was any place that was fair
and nice and kind and perfect like they think this place is supposed to be.
It's not perfect. The Admiral lies, or he doesn't tell us the whole truth,
or he gives us an answer that's not really an answer, but that's just
everybody, and I hate people who wanna try and blame everything on the
Admiral, like if he's gone then there won't be any more problems. Because
there's always gonna be problems and always gonna be people who think they
know how to fix everything. Everything hasn't gone wrong, because
we're still here, and we're still going, and people are still
graduating, and no one's staying dead if they don't want to, and I'm
just--" her speech has been a little rapid, maybe, and here she pauses for
breath, folding her arms back in and curling over just a little, taking a
moment. She'd like a hug, she thinks; something solid and warm that makes
her feel a little less like everything is spinning out of control, but she
doesn't know how to ask for that. Instead, she takes a breath, and tries
again.
"If they aren't doing something besides yelling at the Admiral and trying
to break the barge to get to him, then they aren't anything but--but kids
who are mad they aren't in charge. Things suck sometimes. We have to try
and make it better how we can, without getting everyone hurt. We have
to--to help each other, instead of just ourselves. Because if we don't do
that, then we're just as bad as him."
It isn't often that Shiro has that many words to give. She still doesn't
have the vocabulary to frame everything she thinks or feels, still doesn't
have the context for everything she thinks, but every now and then the
thoughts form and there's the right words, or close enough, and things
just...come out. She's been here three years, almost. It's not as long as
some people but it's long enough to know.
Credence doesn't say anything, but that's okay; she'll take the hand folded
over hers instead, and after a moment flips her hand, holding his back. Her
grip is maybe a touch uncomfortably tight at first, but after a deep, shaky
breath, she looks up, offering Credence a small, equally shaky smile.
"Sorry. Sorry, I just--I guess you probably shouldn't talk about stuff like
that on a date, I just...every time I see someone like that on the network,
it's just--really frustrating. Nobody has good answers, just, let's yell at
the Admiral, it wouldn't be terrible if it weren't for the Admiral,
everything sucks all the time, and I think that's just--wrong. But--I still
shouldn't have said it all like that, I guess."
"No, no - it's okay," he says quickly, squeezing her hand without thinking
about it. "Being here, it's...so much better than being back home. I
don't even really care what the Admiral does."
"No, I mean--I still care about what the Admiral does," she says slowly,
not contradicting him, exactly, just kind of working things out. Her other
hand folds over the top of his, subconsciously holding on, looking for
something. Reassurance, maybe. "I think--it's not a bad thing to--to expect
him to be kind of like an example. A good one. I think he matters, and he
can get better at this, too, just like any of us can. I just think it's
stupid to expect him to be perfect and to fix everything, like it's
magically just all gonna be better without us working on making it better,
together."
Her fingers move over the back of his hand, tracing the lines of his
fingers. "This place is better than where I came from, too. A lot better.
And I think we can keep making it better. That's a big part of why I
stayed, you know? Home wasn't going to be better. Home, I would've been the
same person I was. I like it here, and I like who I am, here. And just like
I keep working on being a better Shiro, I think we have to work to make the
barge a better barge."
It takes her a moment to process his words, to understand meaning, and she
looks up just in time to see the edges of that half-hearted smile
vanishing. "You aren't bad," she tells him, voice a little more hesitant
again. "And it's not wrong to--to take your time figuring things out. I
still think you make the barge better. You can. You don't have to be
graduated or a warden or anything else to want to make the place you live
better. And I think you have a lot of good ideas."
"...Thank you." He clears his throat quietly. "You....you make me want to be better."
There's a small hiccup in that he wants to be better for her, and Quentin, and Annie - the little family he's found for himself here. And nobody else, frankly.
It's not a bad way to start. To be better for someone else. It's a small
start, a good first step, even if it takes a while to make that jump from
being better for someone else to being better just for yourself. "I know
you're trying," she answers, looking down at their hands. "And I know it's
hard. But I'm here to help, too. If I can." It's not just a warden's job.
It's what friends do, and they are that at the very least, whatever else
they are.
"Good." A smile at him, maybe a little closer to how she usually looks, a
little more relieved maybe now that she's gotten those words out. "You
know, you help me, too. There's a lot of things I never did before I came
here. A lot of things I never wanted to do. You--I want to, because of you.
You help me be better."
Shiro nods, finally letting go of Credence's hand so she can slide out of
her chair, standing. "Mm--I asked Pietro how you play, and he said it was
pretty easy. You just--roll the ball and try and knock down those things at
the end. The pins, I mean." It sounds pretty easy. What could go wrong?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2018-05-31 02:23 pm (UTC)"I don't know, it's just - strange that it's there, I guess. I don't know why it would be? Maybe someone asked for it."
But they haven't been using it, so it seems unlikely.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-31 04:14 pm (UTC)"There's a lot of stuff on this barge that's different. Maybe the people who were here before--maybe some of them were from different times and places, when kitchens looked more like that," she offers thoughtfully. "I guess--that's one of the things I've been thinking about. Who this barge belonged to. The kind of people who were here before. If they miss it like I miss parts of ours, like the library, and my room being next to the art room. Is that weird?" It might be.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-31 04:43 pm (UTC)“No,” he says, immediately. “That’s not weird. I miss the library too. It’s all so different.”
no subject
Date: 2018-05-31 04:50 pm (UTC)"It is." She nods, some short strands of hair falling forward over her cheekbones. "I mean--it's not all bad. I like the garden and the way the art room is now. I like the kitchen and how big it is. And the new rooms--I know you were working hard on yours, and I feel bad it got taken, but--I kind of like that everyone is the same. Wardens and inmates. Nobody gets anything special just for being one or the other. You know?" That's something that feels surprisingly important to her.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-31 06:20 pm (UTC)"Y-yes. I like that I can just wash up by myself now."
He's a little flushed as he says it. It's a novelty not just to his life on the Barge, but....his life. In general.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-31 07:36 pm (UTC)Shiro nods, seemingly not noticing the flush on his face. A body has always been just--a body, to her, but-- "I understand. I--when I was an inmate, I always went when nobody else was in the shower. I--used to really...I didn't like people staring. At my scars, I mean. I have--a lot. And the ones on my body aren't as--clean, I guess. Like the ones on my arms." She lowers her hands palm-up on the edges of the table between them. The sleeves of her dress are short, showing all those ragged, faintly pink lines intersecting as they climb her arms, finally disappearing beneath fabric. More are visible at the scoop neck of her dress, implying those hidden below.
"I'm glad they don't make everyone shower together anymore. It was really dumb--getting a bathroom shouldn't be something you only get when you graduate. Like a prize."
no subject
Date: 2018-06-01 09:01 am (UTC)"Yes. It was." Dumb. Very dumb. "I didn't like people seeing either."
His own scars aren't nearly as bad as hers, restricted to his back and palms, but they still make him feel vulnerable and selfconscious.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-01 12:19 pm (UTC)She worries a little less about what people think when they see her these days, but it's been a very gradual process. There are still habits that are hard to break, tendencies towards long sleeves and things that cover her shape. It's only recently that she's been breaking out of those habits, partially because a large chunk of her wardrobe was left behind on the old barge. They left a lot behind on the old barge. Sometimes she thinks maybe that's for the best.
"So now everyone has their own shower. And there's laundry in the rooms, and a little kitchen. I--kind of like that, too. Means people don't have to leave their rooms if they don't want to sometimes. It's--more fair, I think. At least a little." Not everything about the barge is fair. There's a lot that isn't. But she thinks maybe that makes the little things more important.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-01 12:34 pm (UTC)Credence nods.
“I was thinking about things I might do to mine. Maybe paint the walls, or something. So it’s more...I don’t know. So it feels more like it’s mine?”
no subject
Date: 2018-06-01 04:22 pm (UTC)"That would be really nice." Maybe it's something to think about, for everyone. Maybe it would be a good place to start feeling less trapped and angry and take back some sense of control.
"If maintenance has paint and stuff--and if there's fabric we can get, too--maybe that's...something to do for the whole barge. Like, tell everyone there's stuff they can do. Help paint rooms, or sew new curtains or sheets. Put up art, in the halls and in the common rooms and stuff. Make this barge--ours. You know?"
no subject
Date: 2018-06-01 04:26 pm (UTC)Credence nods.
"You know what people will say," he murmurs. "Things like - the Admiral's a fugitive, everything's gone wrong, and you're talking about painting."
He's been here long enough to know how it goes.
"But we should do it anyway."
no subject
Date: 2018-06-01 04:50 pm (UTC)"I hate that." Her voice is quiet, subdued, but no less passionate for that. "I hate how people talk like this place used to be better, how it's supposed to be better. Like every other universe out there isn't unfair, like any of us would be here if there was any place that was fair and nice and kind and perfect like they think this place is supposed to be. It's not perfect. The Admiral lies, or he doesn't tell us the whole truth, or he gives us an answer that's not really an answer, but that's just everybody, and I hate people who wanna try and blame everything on the Admiral, like if he's gone then there won't be any more problems. Because there's always gonna be problems and always gonna be people who think they know how to fix everything. Everything hasn't gone wrong, because we're still here, and we're still going, and people are still graduating, and no one's staying dead if they don't want to, and I'm just--" her speech has been a little rapid, maybe, and here she pauses for breath, folding her arms back in and curling over just a little, taking a moment. She'd like a hug, she thinks; something solid and warm that makes her feel a little less like everything is spinning out of control, but she doesn't know how to ask for that. Instead, she takes a breath, and tries again.
"If they aren't doing something besides yelling at the Admiral and trying to break the barge to get to him, then they aren't anything but--but kids who are mad they aren't in charge. Things suck sometimes. We have to try and make it better how we can, without getting everyone hurt. We have to--to help each other, instead of just ourselves. Because if we don't do that, then we're just as bad as him."
no subject
Date: 2018-06-01 04:52 pm (UTC)Instead, he just reaches across the table and carefully folds one hand around hers.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-01 05:47 pm (UTC)It isn't often that Shiro has that many words to give. She still doesn't have the vocabulary to frame everything she thinks or feels, still doesn't have the context for everything she thinks, but every now and then the thoughts form and there's the right words, or close enough, and things just...come out. She's been here three years, almost. It's not as long as some people but it's long enough to know.
Credence doesn't say anything, but that's okay; she'll take the hand folded over hers instead, and after a moment flips her hand, holding his back. Her grip is maybe a touch uncomfortably tight at first, but after a deep, shaky breath, she looks up, offering Credence a small, equally shaky smile. "Sorry. Sorry, I just--I guess you probably shouldn't talk about stuff like that on a date, I just...every time I see someone like that on the network, it's just--really frustrating. Nobody has good answers, just, let's yell at the Admiral, it wouldn't be terrible if it weren't for the Admiral, everything sucks all the time, and I think that's just--wrong. But--I still shouldn't have said it all like that, I guess."
no subject
Date: 2018-06-01 05:57 pm (UTC)"No, no - it's okay," he says quickly, squeezing her hand without thinking about it. "Being here, it's...so much better than being back home. I don't even really care what the Admiral does."
no subject
Date: 2018-06-01 06:25 pm (UTC)"No, I mean--I still care about what the Admiral does," she says slowly, not contradicting him, exactly, just kind of working things out. Her other hand folds over the top of his, subconsciously holding on, looking for something. Reassurance, maybe. "I think--it's not a bad thing to--to expect him to be kind of like an example. A good one. I think he matters, and he can get better at this, too, just like any of us can. I just think it's stupid to expect him to be perfect and to fix everything, like it's magically just all gonna be better without us working on making it better, together."
Her fingers move over the back of his hand, tracing the lines of his fingers. "This place is better than where I came from, too. A lot better. And I think we can keep making it better. That's a big part of why I stayed, you know? Home wasn't going to be better. Home, I would've been the same person I was. I like it here, and I like who I am, here. And just like I keep working on being a better Shiro, I think we have to work to make the barge a better barge."
no subject
Date: 2018-06-01 06:28 pm (UTC)Credence manages a tiny, flinching smile.
"I....I'm still working on making myself better, I guess. But I want the Barge to be better, too. If I can help with that, I will."
no subject
Date: 2018-06-01 06:59 pm (UTC)It takes her a moment to process his words, to understand meaning, and she looks up just in time to see the edges of that half-hearted smile vanishing. "You aren't bad," she tells him, voice a little more hesitant again. "And it's not wrong to--to take your time figuring things out. I still think you make the barge better. You can. You don't have to be graduated or a warden or anything else to want to make the place you live better. And I think you have a lot of good ideas."
no subject
Date: 2018-06-02 10:50 am (UTC)There's a small hiccup in that he wants to be better for her, and Quentin, and Annie - the little family he's found for himself here. And nobody else, frankly.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-04 11:53 am (UTC)It's not a bad way to start. To be better for someone else. It's a small start, a good first step, even if it takes a while to make that jump from being better for someone else to being better just for yourself. "I know you're trying," she answers, looking down at their hands. "And I know it's hard. But I'm here to help, too. If I can." It's not just a warden's job. It's what friends do, and they are that at the very least, whatever else they are.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-04 02:22 pm (UTC)"You can," he says quickly. "You do. All the time."
no subject
Date: 2018-06-04 02:37 pm (UTC)"Good." A smile at him, maybe a little closer to how she usually looks, a little more relieved maybe now that she's gotten those words out. "You know, you help me, too. There's a lot of things I never did before I came here. A lot of things I never wanted to do. You--I want to, because of you. You help me be better."
no subject
Date: 2018-06-04 02:43 pm (UTC)He smiles again, and it lingers a little longer.
"...do you want to see if we can work out the bowling, maybe?"
no subject
Date: 2018-06-04 03:05 pm (UTC)Shiro nods, finally letting go of Credence's hand so she can slide out of her chair, standing. "Mm--I asked Pietro how you play, and he said it was pretty easy. You just--roll the ball and try and knock down those things at the end. The pins, I mean." It sounds pretty easy. What could go wrong?
no subject
Date: 2018-06-04 03:33 pm (UTC)[Hey psst this feels like a good place to fade out?]